Monday, February 7, 2011

Carling's Badass Tips For Some Hardcore Headshots: A Comprehensive Guide to Not Thinking You're Ugly

A few of these suggestions are drawn from my own experiences. See if you can guess which one!

1. Do NOT shower immediately before leaving the house and hope your hair will dry the way you like it. I can assure you that today, it won't.

2. Do NOT assume that the slept-on coif and stubborn waterproof mascara left over from last night's grade 12 semi-formal is sufficient primping. You're not fooling anyone.

3. Do NOT forget it is headshot day and wear a pajama shirt to the theatre because you overslept and you really wanted to get there by the time the building opened and you only have one day in there to do tech and in fact you woke up a full two hours later than you meant to and you're sure this means you're screwed because those two hours would have made all the difference between a passably cute stereotypical MDF set and the BEST EFFING SET IN THE WORLD. You're not, they wouldn't have, and the pajamas your parents bought you last Christmas are only cute in the proper context.

4. Show your teeth! A big smile = a big star!

5. Do NOT forget it is headshot day and hoof it to campus to meet a friend who's selling you a ticket so by the time you get there you're sweaty and you definitely overdressed for the weather but you have an hour before rehearsal to work and then suddenly you remember it's headshot day and you have to run (almost literally) home to snatch up your makeup bag and then run back and you wash your sweaty face with antibacterial foaming hand soap and then frantically do your makeup in the not-well-lit auditorium with only your iSight camera for a mirror while people keep you posted on how much you're holding up the rehearsal and you desperately scream back at them "NO! I WILL NOT BE UGLY!" And even if you're the best makeup artist in the world this whole time your not-clean hair has been in a limp French braid and sometimes it looks good when it's been in a French braid but today is not "sometimes". It is headshot day, and it doesn't. Also you forgot your eyeliner.

6. Just be yourself! This is your time to shine!

7. Do NOT spend most of the night in an ER because of a wound sustained during fight warm-up the night before wherein yes, the spear was blunted, but it still came to a roundish point and did a bit of damage when the whole weight behind Zak Rose's arm landed on your shin instead of the air beside your waist where it was supposed to, and it certainly wasn't the fault of your cargo pants, and after which you figured you might as well go to the ER as suggested by the nearby professors who, let's face it, are employed by McGill for a reason, and that is they're extremely intelligent, so they probably know best, but you certainly didn't have a spare hour for showering between getting home at 3:30 a.m. and waking up for a 10 am rehearsal so instead you try to wet your hair and get it to dry how you like it but it just keeps going limp so you tease it but then it just looks natty and you're too tired to put on a nice, trendy shirt and you certainly can't find your makeup because your half of the New Rez bathroom counter has become a disaster over these weeks of never being home during the day anymore and then you end up with a double chin in the actual picture and there's no black-and-white in the world that can make that look good.

So... avoid all of the above scenarios, and guaranteed you'll have a headshot that you won't be ashamed to show your parents, because you really do love them and one of the best gifts to give them is the gift of doing their gene pool proud, because let's face it, you're only as attractive as your most awkward child.

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