The Coulmier Chronicles

After threats, beating up, begging, bragging and bribes, I, your intrepid reporter, was allowed into the rehearsals of the infamous Marat/Sade plays, and I immediately began to gather confidential information.

Although this play contains whipping, ballet, copulation, screaming, philosophy and dancing, I was more intrigued by the strange couple who are always watching rehearsals...the Coulmiers.

Rumor has it Monsieur de Coulmier is the head of the asylum which is producing this superb masterpiece. However, despite this glorious position... I am not impressed by this couple.His wife, for one, is the most ineffectual ditz I have ever seen (and I have seen many ineffectual ditzes in my time) And why does Monsieur Coulmier keep interrupting the play? I would think the director, Monsieur de Sade, would object! It is the hope of this intrepid reporter that he will receive his comeuppance at the play! (and hopefully his annoying wife will get slapped around a bit! I say! (though it must be noted that she is a blond, and thus probably cannot help it))

After careful stalking, I was able to gain access to the Coulmier corner, where I found a shocking piece of paper covered in...doodles! Would this imply that one of the Coulmiers was not giving the play its full attention? Hang them! Guillotine them! KILL THEM! (although, on a side note, whoever the doodler is has quite the talent!).

But worst yet, once your intrepid reporter turned the sheet around, she found a job application to...Barnes and Nobles! (Perhaps his wife is applying to Barnes and Nobles, but, as previously mentioned, she is a blond, and thus probably is not intelligent enough to write. Since there were actual letters on the application, I think this unlikely...) Which would mean that Monsieur Coulmier is the culprit...

What! Is Monsieur de Coulmier preparing to abandon his post at the hospital? Mon dieu! SHOCKING! He should know that doing so would prevent him from keeping his wife up in the style she has become accustomed to.

Your intrepid reporter then snuck behind the Coulmiers in order to eveasdrop on their conversation during the show.

First, the fact that they were speaking at all was horrifying. As everyone knows, people who talk in the theater will go to a special level of hell - one reserved for child molesters and people who take sexual advantage of others. But nevertheless, this intrepid reporter will be objective, and report the conversations.

At some point, the inmate playing Duperette began to molest Madame Coulmier's dress, so she slapped his hand away. Her husband told her "don't worry. He's just a rapist. "

Another rather amusing conversation:

Madame Coulmier: darling, what's a mistress?
Monsieur Coulmier: You know Catherine?
Madame Coulmier: Of course!
Monsieur Coulmier: We play chess.
Madame Coulmier: I don't know how to play chess.
Monsieur Coulmier: No, you don't.

This intrepid reporter also overheard a shocking admission of guilt by Monsieur Coulmier, who mentioned that he had "lost our daughters in the woods," and this was why they could not attend the play.

Both were quite shocked at parts of the performance, prompting Monsieur Coulmier to order his wife not to listen to certain songs(as any good husband should do). But despite this, near the end of the play, Madame Coulmier told her husband that she "quite enjoyed it. Thank you so much for letting me out of my room to see this."

Her husband rejoined: "Your cell, darling, your cell. "

This intrepid reporter will keep you updated as the situation unfolds.